Engineers

So one of my co-workers discovered some engineer jokes today.. and they were pretty damn funny.. so I decided to find some more. and I just felt like posting them up here. So here's a nice collection of some of the ones I've found.

• Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
  "Where did you get such a great bike?"
  The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
  minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike."
  She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said
  "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly,
  "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


• To the optimist, the glass is half full.
  To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
  To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


• A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
  
  "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
  
  The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
  
  The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
  
  The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


• There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.
  
  In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
  
  The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999.
  
  It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.


• What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
  Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.


• Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
  
  Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
  
  The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


• "Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
  Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."


• An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
  
  The engineer said, "I like both."
  
  "Both?" they asked.
  
  Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."


• An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
  
  The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
  
  Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
  
  The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."


• A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician were stranded on a desert island. They were discovered by a passing airplane, but could not be rescued except by helicopter, so the airplane dropped a wooden crate of food and supplies to hold them over until the helicopter could get there. The three eagerly opened the crate, but unfortunately the food was canned and whoever packed the crate neglected to include a can opener. So the three thought hard to devise a scheme to open the cans.
  
  The physicist spoke first. He said, "We could take these cans over to the cliffs at the other side of the island and drop them off. The cliffs are tall enough that the cans should break open on the sharp rocks below."
  
  "I don't like that idea," said the engineer. "Those rocks are covered in guano. We'd have to lick the food off of them." "Do you have a better idea?" asked the physicist. "Let me think," said the engineer.
  
  After a few minutes the engineer said, "We could empty out the crate and take the lid supports off the inside. Then we could put one can inside, put the lid on top of it, and weight it down with rocks until the pressure makes the can break open. The food would still splatter, but it would be on the inside of the clean crate."
  
  "I don't like that idea," said the mathematician. "We'd have to lick the food off the crate, and we'd get splinters in our tongues." "Do you have a better idea?" asked the engineer. "Let me think," said the mathematician.
  
  The mathematician thought and thought for hours. He got a stick and wrote calculations in the sand of the beach. Finally he said, "I've got it! Assume the can is open..."


• The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
  The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
  The graduate with an Accounting degree ask, "How much will it cost?"
  The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


• John visited a psychiatrist and said "I need help. I go to bed and before I go to sleep, I start thinking that someone is under the bed and I can't sleep". The psychiatrist said "I can guarantee a cure if you visit me twice a week for a year. It will only cost you $200 per visit.". John said "that's awfully expensive, but I must do something. I'll call your office for appointments."
  
  The next time the psychiatrist saw John was on the street a couple of months later . He asked "How is your sleeping problem?" John said "No problem now. I mentioned it to Frank, my engineer friend, and he came to my house and sawed the legs off of my bed".